


Metronome

by graspthesanity



Category: BBC Radio 1 RPF, One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, First Gryles, Gryles, M/M, Non-Famous Harry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-19
Updated: 2018-06-10
Packaged: 2018-07-16 01:23:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,258
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7246555
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/graspthesanity/pseuds/graspthesanity
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You know when a relationship is really good if it remains good after the first argument. Harry thinks you need to go past the twentieth, but Nick didn't want to wait and see. Harry could get over it, but it's hard when they're both stuck together as members of the local LGBT committee.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

“Alright.”

“Alright.” It's as if we are both mimicking each other and I can't even recall which one of us decided to stretch out their hand and who even shook it. All I knew that I was staring down at it, as if this were some cruel joke and tears were building up in my eyes.

I somehow had happened to hold the tears until I had gotten back to the student accommodation and cried my entire heart out, knowing that we just didn't manage to fit together and that someday I would find someone else. I told myself that it would be as early as summer, but that didn't happen. All of summer was locked up and earning extra money, enough for me to buy a phone on a plan since the previous one had stopped receiving Wi-Fi. I didn't want to ask anyone and somehow selling baked goods was enough to get it all out of my mind. Well, for a while when there was a time when the customers would actually come in and then I would imagine what else had they gone through and what was the reason they had gone with a pastry today.

I had also went down to Sainsbury's and bought a bunch of baked goods which didn't taste too good, but went well with strawberries as I had no ice cream craving. The problem with break-ups is that just like puzzles they always end up different than the picture they present on the box, with far more detail and a lot of time to end up wasting. I didn't watch anything or even turn on the computer, turning off the phone because I knew that Nick would never ever call again and I didn't want anyone else. I figured that the whole world could wait. I knew that the year would start and that would be it. With every small milestone I would tell myself that I'd find someone else, anyone even for a while seemed like a solution.

I even thought of shaving my head, just so that I knew that the curls he held were long gone.

There would be no reason we would run into each other and even if we would he'd avoid me. But every night to fall asleep I have to think of Nick, just to fall asleep again otherwise it becomes a disaster of intertwining thoughts which ask me why hadn't I tried, why hadn't I told him that all couples go through this. That arguing is okay, maybe even one fight is okay.

I usually just turn around to face the wall and trace my fingers over all of the photos which now have my ex boyfriend missing, it's smiling faces with people I'm no longer friends with. I've had a small group of friends, but it was dissolved rather fast. It always happened like that, it wasn't even because I was gay, it just would never work out. I wouldn't want to hang out and smoke weed, so that had been it. I would try to relax instead or go running around the old city part.

I don't think I'll ever believe that a LGBT person never tried going to one of those LGBT meetups. I think we're all desperately lonely and going to one makes us think that somehow we are less alone. I even sat in front of the computer one day and paid their membership fee, just to get to the board meetings, thinking that at least that would distract me, since I had no faith in my classmates and gay people danced more, so maybe that would be an advantage.

The first day of class was nothing and the days just ended up dragging themselves just as slow and my mind would make me paint scenarios where Nick was younger than me or would show up as any of my teachers and somehow that would be it. But instead I was greeted with less pleasant faces and no Nick. Instead I got a call from my mom saying how I should really try and converse with more people instead of binging shows. I just stared in silence, somehow recalling her saying that she had liked Nick.

The board has meetings every three weeks, so it becomes more of a torture to chew the days until then, because when you've got nothing to look forward to, you really don't have anything to look forward to. The group itself has two guys who desperately snog each other or smoke outside and somehow I end up clinging rather close to them. We don't talk much, but when we do it's just usual chatter and I know that Louis is older than I am because he had mentioned once. But I'm guessing the same goes for Liam.

I get to find out that the head of the committee or whatever is a kid with dyed blonde hair, who looks younger than all of us three combined, but I don't mind as the board meeting finally rolls in somehow. It's the usual bunch of a fair amount of older gay men, who I always imagine have slept among themselves, Louis and Liam who paid the entrance fee just because I asked so and unlike me they actually have a living. The kid starts everything by talking and telling us that we should already prepare for Pride even if it's been like three months after the one I attended with Nick last year.

Eventually the door slides open and I just keep looking at the footwear, before I hear a voice higher than my own and much older, apologizing and excusing himself for being late.

He's decided to dye his hair pink. He looks awfully lost and his eyes are fixed on me, like a lost puppy. Nick starts playing with the zipper up and down, as he is excused inside and he sits behind me. I turn my head around just to see my old ex boyfriend take off his jacket and try to ignore my gaze by quickly saying hi to Louis who sits right next to him.

Through the whole meeting which only discusses Pride, since nothing else seems to be rolling around, I keep glancing behind him and eventually I see Nick mouth a brief hi, putting his lips together in a thin line and nodding for me to pay attention. I start shaking briefly, a bit too anxious from seeing my ex who I am clearly not over. I try to tell myself that I can't look back to stare at his pink hair but I turn one of my numerous times to mouth a 'hi' back at him.

Once the meeting is over, Nick just leaves, excusing himself just as fast, not staying for any of the piping hot coffee or Liam's idea of somehow getting all of Pride on water, which is highly unappealing to anyone else besides his boyfriend, who is just agreeing to agree. Everyone just stays for a while with really bland chatter, which makes me wonder far too much what were he thinking and I can only imagine him going back, maybe playing with his hair, surely calling any of his friends who I would end up meeting far too often, listening to them telling embarrassing stories about Nick, who went around by Grimmy to them and I would call him that but once we broke up my brain would just stutter on calling him anything which someone close to him would.

The thing is when there is nothing going on, nothing really does happen, besides some anxiety and depression and the only desire is to tell someone how bad you feel, but I'm not close enough to anyone at this point and both me and Nick promised to delete each other's numbers off. Because who would want a rotten relationship back?

I end up getting some food to heat up from the said Sainsbury's nearby, not even bothering by the Tesco on the way. I just go past the strippers in their flashy transparent heels, not even doing a second glance as they giggle around and stand like advertisements. Sometimes I wish I would have a reason to stay outside, or possibly any other location which would require me to walk even further, maybe I shouldn't have taken the bus at all and spent a whole hour getting back to the accommodation by foot.

But it gets worse. The lessons drag heavily and now it's in far a deeper blur, that I don't even understand what I am even learning or why had I decided on these odd subjects. I keep thinking of Nick and wondering how good he looks in his pink hair and I start thinking of all scenarios that I would meet him under, because he also paid the fee and surely sooner or later we would have to talk and it's only a question of when and how this would happen. I end up crying again, this time on the bed, a few days in, waiting for more days to pass. I wonder if I should put anything at all to the ceiling just to make it cozier and less lonely. I also avoided a party to attend, since it was on the day of a regular meeting, but I guess that's why Nick is avoiding those, avoiding more socializing, probably made it around to the pub. I guess a risk by going to the one of the few gay pubs in town with Liam and Louis, but they're far more chatty than usual and the topic creeps on past relationships.

“Harry?” Liam asks me as I try to think what to even say when it comes to my love life which had started in my late teens around 17 and all up to now. I don't even know what to tell to my newly acquired two friends. Well, since we're drinking beer I would assume that I could call them that.

“Yeah.” I pause and then I look back at them. I am positive that it's written all over my face that I've got a desperately troubled past with my lover and that I would rather not mention it. I take a small sip and nothing still comes out. I put a hand to my hair, tugging on one of the curls. “I had a very rough break up.

I really loved him. But it wasn't meant to be.”

I sip again.

They both glance at each other, rather confused and at this point I find it rather hard to differentiate them just like anyone else. Everything seems so blurry and I hope that I won't just space out again, instead I smile briefly, praying for any other continuation of a conversation only in an another direction. But instead they hold the pause for me to speak, but I am sure that I don't want to speak of it ever again or maybe I am just not ready at all yet. I don't think anyone ever differs from a break up to other people. It's all the same misery and dragging, a lost sense of not understanding where did the other person go.

I look around, as if wondering if there is anyone at all spying on us and I just glance back at them, still entertained in the surroundings but it all lasts no longer than a second and then I actually decide to speak.

“It just went sour. We would fight over nothing at all. His shirt. My part-time jobs. The fact that we would spend too much time with his friends. The fact that we would spend too much time together. It was... everything.” I take another gulp, mentioning the one fight we had where we fucking pulled each other's hair over something that I can't even recall at all. As it was possibly one of the first ever fights we had, it was something which caused all of this crimson to blossom and we kept fighting over everything small. Once we fought over the wrong flavor of cupcakes given to us by the cupcake store.

“But every couple-”

“Fights. I know.” I interrupt Louis really fast. I've heard it before and I've heard it from all of Nick's friends before they decided that it was over and there was no longer a point in keeping up talking to me. I mean, what was the point? I was the ex and now there was nothing else to discuss besides the fact that I would be walking dazed and asking how Nick was. “But we just had to many... And we gave up.”

I forgave him, he never did and that was it.

I start listening to their fights and I just wish that somehow Nick would show up at this pub, but besides the LGBT meeting he never shows up, because then we would surely cause a scene. 

 


	2. Chapter 2

I stopped crying and I am left numb with my imagination drawing far too many things because Nick is back. He's decided to join the committee and since it's paid, I doubt he would get out of there. I know that there is a chance that I would never see him again, but that doesn't even register in my mind, instead I'm facing the wall with a paused movie and waiting for Nick to finally get tucked back into my life. 

I start numbly clicking through YouTube videos, never settling on anything at all, just knowing that until the weeks actually roll by I don't have any way of contacting him. I rub my eyes, wishing that I could see him more often but I don't dare to go by his house, even if I could pick locks I wouldn't.

Days go by like autumn leaves with a bunch of regret and pain that there will never be a renewal. And I just want to keep them crunching under my feet, despite all the metaphors which go through my head. But it's too early for any other regrets from nature, besides the impending doom and thoughts of overall death. 

I start planning much ahead when it comes to meeting Nick again and I hope that he ends up being a greedy bastard towards me and my attention.

But as days go, I just happen to think more about how distant we are and how distant overall I am from the past, that I'm elsewhere, no longer stuck on my mom's sleeve. The days pass much slower than I've ever expected and it's as if everyone knows the source of my misery. My first real break-up, after being together and truly loving each other.

I end up going to the barbers, with my hair so overgrown that if someone deemed me a metal head I wouldn't have blamed them at all. I look up to see the barber taking a streak of my hair, I feel as if I am reading his lips rather than hearing his voice. 

I've been suggested by Liam to see a therapist, but how ridiculous is it? I've broken up with my boyfriend and I can't get over it? How does one even get over someone else? 

“The problem is that... you've never admitted that to yourself. That it's over, mate, I mean.” And his voice echoed in my head.

I think of Nick pulling my hair during sex, I think of Nick playing with I afterwards, something I had started to forget and which made my heart sink into some sweet sensations. 

“Cutting it short would be great, thanks.” I finally turn to the barber and he just shrugs and nods. After all, the customer is always right. I can't help but go further with articulating my thoughts in any manner at all. Before I could string sentences, but now it all avoids me. It's as if I don't know who I am anymore. It's as if Nick took me with him, leaving an empty shell behind. That night I post on Instagram for the first time since we had broken up, showing off my new hair. It didn't cost much either and the barber didn't put up a fight, which I'm sure would've happened if I had been at a salon. 

My hands shake when I see that Nick had checked my story. He doesn't like the picture, it's just a view, but it makes my eyes widen and my heart ache even more. That evening I go out, I take a walk around the old part of town, knowing it well enough like the back of my hand, trying to get rid of loneliness and the hope. I could never admit that we would be over, how could I? Doesn't it pass with time? What if I had just left it there and eventually it would catch up on me? The feeling that there were no more dreams to be dreamt, no more hope to cling onto? 

Nick showed up to the meeting again and it looked as if he had some serious thinking. He arrived late again and I looked at his newly re-dyed pink hair, it was no longer faint and he just sat on one of the empty seats next to our token lesbians. It was mandatory to have women on the board, which was fair, but after the previous few years where it was just lesbian groups, it was overturned to many complaints. It's as if there could be no peace found. The groups remained, but the addition of more gay men groups was met with huffing and puffing. 

I felt like I couldn't care any more about the politics. Frankly, I knew that I was in no state to be on the board, but all I could do was distract myself and try to make my life as vivid as possible without Nick-

Who was still here. He was still in my life and that ached so much. I wished that he would somehow sit closer to me, but nothing would happen. I knew that. 

Maybe he ached in his own way as well? I had no way of knowing, since his friends sided with him and after being with him so long, our friends became his friends and I wasn't that much social as I realized once we had broken up, with only Liam and Louis left, my friends from before I had met Nick. Maybe if Nick had hung out with them more they would've chosen someone cheerier as well. 

But then just staring at that small notification, made me wonder too much. Was he also not over it? Was he struggling because he just cut me off as soon as he could?

He kept staring at my short hair when I wasn't looking. This time he stayed for the hot coffee, which was impossible to even touch, so everyone had to remember their mismatched mugs, probably bought at some charity shop. I gave him a small wave, which was probably odd, but he waved back, both of us making sure not to go into the middle of the room, so that we wouldn't converse. 

With all the years I've lost I get nostalgic from anything, since me and Nick have been together for a while. He had met me with short hair and here I was, alas, with a different cut but still short, as if trimming the long hair would hide the break up and let me go back to a place where everything was still okay. 

Why was he still checking my Instagram? Why were we both still following each other? Now, he was avoiding me as usual, but the fact is that we break down when we're alone doesn't erase how we act in public, which will be different. We open up to loved ones, so they can see who we really are and close up just as easily. So how was Nick now? What was going through his mind? Why hadn't I noticed earlier and what was really going on?

I had wanted him back. 

The numb ache followed me the entire time and I was thankful that neither of us gossiped enough to be talk of the town or even the small community. We just kept a lid on it, we weren't even that public to begin with. It wasn't even about the age difference, it was just about the fact that we weren't ones to hold hands, we would keep that all behind closed door. Hell, we barely would go to Pride in the beginning, feeling awkward with all the nudity, but it was at a time when we were actually fighting for our rights, now it wasn't about defending.

I wasn't even sure where was my Pride going. There was lots to be done, of course, but the community seemed scattered and as bewildered as I had been with everything. Of course we couldn't change people's perception of queer people with a click of the fingers. I had been blessed with an accepting family and so had Nick, but we were far from the norm. That's why we were here, that's why we would march. But hearing other people's stories and walking under banners of problems I really didn't see made me confused. Pride was shifting and I guess I wasn't. 

I listened quietly to everyone, how we should politicize Pride. I never understood why this was even an issue. I didn't understand why were queer people always hunted down by pitchforks. 

But here we were. 

I sighed, listening until Nick had come behind me, I instantly made way for him to join our little circle. I wasn't contributing, but he had overheard the banner ideas and seemed to agree on something I had missed as I just stared at my ex-boyfriend. 

After a short while, I excused myself and went to the bathroom, nearly the only place with unisex stalls in the entire city. It was no matter how much we would fight, people would say that we had bigger issues and I wondered... why was ignoring people's rights a way to do so? Why couldn't we do both. 

I noticed how badly I was shaking in the bathroom, staring at the mirror, I hadn't really shaved this morning so I had a light stubble which still felt alien to me to the point of keeping myself clean shaved and I had mastered it enough not to give myself cuts like I had in the beginning. 

I think I spent enough time in the bathroom that Nick had stormed in, quickly running towards a stall and that only made me shake even worse. Eventually he emerged and we both made eye contact which was the first in months. It felt so strange to see that we had both barely changed, just tried to. We tried to step over it or maybe only he did. 

“Hey.” He said nearly quietly and went to wash his hands in the second basin, right besides my own, which I had been intensely staring into the mirror of. 

“Hey.” I echo back. How are you.

How are you.

“How are you?” I end up saying and Nick keeps looking at the running water, before closing it and choosing the right words to reply. This would happen sooner or later, regardless. We had to make some conversation and it's not like we would see each other every damn week, it was every few weeks. We could both manage it. Were we both grown adults? Or was I the messy just jumped out of being a teenager kid? 

“I'm... alright.” He turns to face me. But he quickly looks down again. He's not too well composed and I can read right through him that there's a million things running through his head, a billion scenarios which would make no sense right now and probably not possible either, regardless if it's grabbing me and making out with me against a stall door, which has surely been used before for similar reasons to telling me to sign out for good. Maybe he wanted to sign out. “How are you, Harry?”

We're alone. 

“Same.” I mimic the intonation and the quiet undertones of his voice. Nick just nods, looking back at the basin. I'm not sure where to go from here. 

“I'm sorry for not greeting you last time... I didn't expect you to be here. Which is stupid, because you've always said that you would volunteer here, had you gotten the chance... I guess, now is that chance.” A sad smile plays on his lips. “No, no, it's good we're both doing this. I don't mean together.”

He gives a quick pause and decides to carry on with his babbling. 

“We have to give back to the community, there's still a lot of work to be done even if we haven't faced that much trouble ourselves. There's plenty of folk out there who need to see us and if we stop going... All of us do, that is. What hope will people have? We can't just hide because we don't feel comfortable.”

Nick looks back at me. 

“I just promised myself to be more proud of who I am. No more hiding.”

He walks past me and I just look at my pale face, how much my hair changed me and how different we both look and how we're running away. I leave and not join anyone on the pub invitation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been really on the fence about going to pride, so that's been my thoughts. I don't agree with all the recent messages, the whole toxic masculinity and emphasis on so many actually toxic things. I decided to pick up this story and blow some dust off it, maybe nostalgic because I miss volunteering and being part of the community back when it was really needed. It's a strange debate, because I still do all I can and I care a lot, but I'm not sure where I stand with Pride. 
> 
> I love gryles with all my heart.

**Author's Note:**

> I've been dying to do Gryles for quite a while, since I stalk the tumblr tag a lot and I just love them both a lot. So I just went ahead with it. 
> 
> For more stories: http://graspthesanity.blogspot.com


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